Emotional Escapes...

Outside my window is a pink kite with a blue tail..
Its torn and stuck in a tall antenna...
Every time as the wind blows, it flutters in the air..
As if trying to take a leap into the deep blue sky
But it fails...struggles in the wind and then stops.. right where it is stuck....
Tch..Tch..I feel very sad for it...

I thought I loved him.. perhaps I did at one point. Now, I really don't know.. or perhaps I do but don't want to know.

I ask myself why I don't let go..

A story goes like this:
There was a sailor, so much was he in love with his ship, that he'd rather sink with it, than abandon it and save his life...

Does romance come with an expiry date? Where does all the love fizzle out? So much were we in love that we gladly shut out the entire world from our lives.... then what went wrong?
They say change is perhaps the only constant in life. We change, our views change, our likes and dislikes change, our moods change, our expectations change and even our needs from each other change!

Love means different things to different people and to each, love has its own different expression. To me love is a process of growing with someone... growing into the habit of someone,being predictable to someone,being emotionally dependent on someone, being able to share my thoughts desires and dreams with someone and sharing my loud silence with someone. I take these for granted and wonder why would any one want to live governed by boundaries.. and yet I know someone who is afraid of all this.... I have failed to figure out why... is he a coward or so full of pretense or is it his stubborn arrogance... hmmmm perhaps he is just a fool!!

I said this to someone:

"We can never know our destination, can we?"

People who get settled have not reached their destination - they know they cant keep traveling and hence decide to stop, accepting it to be their final destination. But in a way it is fine.....you can't be a wanderer all your life....

A search for the perfect...

I have always wondered if there is anything called an ideal relation, but then realized there isn't anything that is every idea, is it? A person's desire to be with someone arises from the feeling of being needed, desired - both physically and emotionally and from sharing a sense of companionship. And yet it is so different - loving someone and being in love... and yet it is so easy to fall in love, but so difficult to live in it.

The ability of a relation to survive largely depends on one's ability and willingness to compromise in it. But, the compromise is worth it only when it gives the other person joy, only when it matters to the other person, only when the other person acknowledges it and appreciates you for it. As humans, we constantly seek reassurances from the one's surrounding us...Reciprocation is perhaps one of the most important elements of a healthy relation…..

Is anyone really happy? Among my friends, including myself I sense a wistfulness for something more! What is it that we are looking for? Life is a circle that we have to complete.... most of it is taken up with regular stuff - but then there is YOU and what really helps complete the circle and make it perfect is when we learn to look after and cater to our own needs. And since our needs are diverse we all have to do so in our own different ways.....

Letting go is an art in itself......an art I have repeatedly failed in mastering!

Is it foolish hope for things to turn back to where they were and what it used to be or is it living in denial that things are getting better, is it fear of losing that person or is it my stubbornness to not let go of all the time effort and emotion put behind what was once so dear...... perhaps it's just another endless wait.

But endless wait is like a bad habit…….. a habit I now desire to let go...

P.S : Someone told me to name this blog "my stupid heart..." perhaps this would have been more apt! :-)

Pujo in Shonar Bangla....

If I ever manage to finish writing this piece and publishing it I would like to dedicate it to a friend of mine - Anupam Khulbe - for inspiring.. hmm not really.. but making me curious enough to try my hands at blogging.

I belong to a class of what is called probashi bangali - i.e. bengali's settled and living outside Bengal. The kinds that are often laughed upon and teased in good humor by our more authentic bengali cousins,aunts and uncles living in Kolkatta. They view us youths as a confused category of some sort..and perhaps we are..Our mannerism are typical - we confidently bengalize hindi words in our speech and pass them off as bangla, we are perpetually confused between the greetings of Poila Baishak and Shubo Bijoya and we have barely tasted the true local bengali's khabbar - all we know off is the popularized bengali cuisines!!. What little we know about our traditions is what we see in the shortened and customized to convenience versions of the real thing that are still practiced by our parents and friends - most of who have even abandoned these under the pressures of city living - Oh yes, we are a class of our own indeed!!

This September I fulfilled a long desire of myself and perhaps more so of my dad's - to see Durga pujo in the truest spirit of its celebration in Kolkatta and boy oh boy was I impressed!!!! All this while I lived under the false superiority and comfortable arrogance that perhaps what our fathers and grandfathers and uncles spoke about pujo in Kolkatta with such nostalgia is all just a hype. However seldom ever before have I been so glad to be proved wrong as I was this time around.

Kolkatta as a city is so much different from my home here in Mumbai. I am a true blue Mumbaikar. My relation with this city is like that of a young child's relation with its mother - completely biased, i love almost everything about this city - specially its chaos. And yet Kolkatta being so different from Mumbai painted a different picture and sang a different song in my heart.


Largely occupied by middle class people with humble origins and mediocre dreams, the city thrives on strong culture, tradition, history, art and of course a healthy and a rather heavy dose of adda (casual chattering). People often remark that the city is dirty..today I would disagree. Perhaps it used to be.. at least I remember of having such an impression till my current visit to the city - a lot has changed over time. Also, what we fail to acknowledge is the distinction between shabby and dirty. Kolkatta thankfully does not suffer from the kind of dirt Mumbai bears everyday. Unlike my home, this city is free from long lines of men relieving themselves oh so shamelessly on the roadsides and footpaths that we travel upon. Yes, it is shabby,but only the kind that rises out of mediocrity.

Pujo is Kolkatta is a different high. Its hard to explain the spirit in words and can perhaps only be understood by breathing in the air that prevails. Pujo takes art to an altogether different level and is almost an orgasmic experience for any art lover. As the night grows deeper (and mind u not darker - but this time only brighter) and one drags the tired feet from one pandal to another, you are almost screaming in excitement and hitting new peaks of pleasure. It is just awe inspiring and humbling to see the meticulous, dedicated, devoted and immensely talented craftsmanship of the poor village dwellers of West Bengal for whom Pujo more than anything is food in the burning bellies of their children.

Locals adorned in their finest set out pandal hopping with families, friends, friends of friends and extended families. There is chaos in the air.. loud boisterous laughter, shrill cries of mothers, cute tantrums of children and tring-ring-tramp-pram-dram of their toys. Prayer is in the form of puspanjali on the eight day Ashtami - where the whole Bengal bows downs with flowers in their folded hands and sings the prayer of his heart. The sound of the shaank, the beats of the dhaak ( drums) and the rhythms of evening aarti reverberate in the air... It is a time when all the kitchens of houses are closed for five days and the whole city practially eats out. From the sumptuous and tintilizing street food aromas to the finest Chinese and the mouth watering delicious sondesh....oh yes, Kolkatta is a food lovers paradise!! And then comes that sad part..the time to say goodbye...with hands folded, heads bent, lips murmuring in prayers and moist eyes the city bids adieu to its favorite deity - Ma Durga. With visarjan done, its Shubho Bijoya - sweet victory. It time for kola-koli (embrace) by the men, touching our elders feets, time for blessing and stuffing out mouths with sweets - all this followed by more nostalgia and addda!!!
Pujo in Kolkatta is indeed an experience that one must live!!!

Whats is fresh, exciting and perhaps of a great relief is that the enthusiasm of the pujo has percolated deep in the veins of the youth of this city ( now only if the city can manage to retain its youth by means of employment opportunities) and it promises of hope for this tradition to continue and grow only stronger and bigger with years to come.

It is hard to limit a cities spirit, taste, sound, sweat, heartbeat and pulse and capture its people's hopes, laughter, ambitions, frustrations and prayers in a few paragraphs.. but I must stop now....

Kolkatta as a 30 sec rolling film in my mind, is :
slow moving trams, pucchka by the road, innumerable intertwined oli - golis ( small bylanes or gallis),old cycle rickshaws, yellow cabs, cheap street food, nawabi mutton razzala, inviting mughlai parantha, misthi doi and sondesh, old school jazz, bangla rock, bob dylan and rabindra sangeet, poetry and dance, girls in sarees and boys in dhotis, durga pujo, dhunochi naach, dhaker saaz,hugli on my left and howra on my right, sun rise and 5 and pipping hot kesar chai by the ghats of the ganga as its cold water laps my feet....


P.S : Anupam, You told me that the most difficult step was to make the first move but little did I know that writing a few words could be so tough...