They sang goodbye....and we never knew why....

"Hello"
"Ahh.. hi... sup?"
" I need to meet you..need to talk.."
" Hey listen I cant meet you now. I am really busy... in the midst of exams.. History paper day after..."
"Ok... give me an hour.. let me meet you after that"
"Alrite!"

click...click... beep beep..disconnected....


A horrifying scream.. the color spilling all over my canvas.. the lump in my heart... the pinching of my eyes...I looked up and I knew it was done...


it was all over.... it was all over.....


they said he hung himself from the ceiling.....using a pretty paisley printed chaddar...
his tongue tightly clasped between his teeth struggling to battle the suffering of the choke...
his perfectly sculpted, tanned shirtless body...cold, stiff, blue and yellow.....


Disbelief, denial.... I ran up to him ready to slap him and wake him up.. put an end to this nasty joke...
Slap I did... and i did more... i tugged, i pulled, i pushed, i pinched, i cajoled and coaxed, i scream t and i swore...
He did not wake up and it wasn't a joke...



I was 13 then....


12 years later...
Another phone call...


"Hello"
"Can't find Ria anywhere... she just went out to play video games at the neighbors...
its been two hours now....she doesn't have her cell"
"Did you try calling all her friends..?"
"Yes.. all who we know......they don't know anything"
"Hmm... she had called a friend from my cell last night... let me try checking"

click...click... beep beep..disconnected....

"Hi, are you Ria's friend speaking?"
"Ummm...errrr.....ummm...yeeeeaaaahhhh...can to come to the hospital immediately..."
"HOSPITAL.......??? ok yeah yeah I am coming"

click...click... beep beep..disconnected....


There she was.... my little shona bon......lying silently on the stretcher...
The distant but familiar lump in my heart... the pinching of my eyes...I looked down and I knew it was done...

it was all over.... it was all over.....

they said she jumped in front of the metro rail.... she jumped just when the train was about to stop...
her petite body... cold, stiff, blue and yellow.....
This time there was no denial.... only disbelief!



She was ready early in the morning... 6 am!
Dressed in her favorite ping ghagra choli....she looked like a princess as the first rays of the sun broke behind the clouds and kissed her unbruised face...

However this time she wasn't the loud chirpy vivacious 16 yr self she used to be..

she was unfamiliarly calm and peaceful........


She lay on the pile of sandalwood....on the ghats of the ganges....the water lapped silently by her feet.. singing her the last lullaby......
the crimon sky perfectly complimenting her attire...


She looked composed......

Its been 12 years and I have still failed in all my efforts to understand, comprehend, accept identify or prevent self death ( i hate the word suicide.. hate the way it is spelt and hate the way it sounds on the ears! )

The verge of reaching a point where the pain of taking one's life feels easier than dealing with life's pains is still a mystery...and perhaps will always be...
and in a way I am glad to be so very very distant from unravelling or understanding this mystery...
but alas the loss is something so personal that I cant help ponder.....

Its strange how wierdly complicated and yet simple the human mind and heart can be....
It sometimes finds a simple solution to answers life's complications!!

It is said that self death is never an impromptu act... its never an out of the blue activity.
There is always a lot of thought, pre thought, a lot of planning and attempts and try-outs...
And yet in most cases individuals appear so normal that even the closest people surrounding them are completely oblivious to their state of mind. The act always feels like an abberation of character, so abnormal....so unnatural....so shocking.. so uncomprehensible...so unacceptable...They walk among us, talk among us, laugh and cry and play and dance among us...being so much like us.....and one day they are gone....just like that...

I cannot write much about the mental or emotional state of a person going through this phase except for the obvious that they are depressed, in pain and confused with a lot of anxiety. Supposedly sane people like you and me use a lot of adjectives, some say they are weak, losers, cowards, selfish, ungrateful or plain fucked up morons..... I am not sure I agree with any of this...

They are neither weak, nor crazy, nor do they lack willpower. It is perhaps very easy for us to comment " Hey, that is not reason enough for being suicidal! ". However as individuals we deal with a lot of different pain . Individuals differ greatly in their capacity to withstand pain. Different individuals have different sensitivity towards pain and even to different kinds of pain. And each individual is blessed with his or her own resources to cope up with pain.
Whether or not a pain is bearable differs from person to person based on the kind of coping up resources that a person has. And it is when the pain exceeds the person's coping up resources, that death changes from being and idea to an act.


Self death cannot be categorised as right or wrong. It is not a flaw or a defect of character. Its morally neutral.


Being on the receiving side, what I can however write about is what such an act leaves behind....


the difficulty of accepting it...
the difficulty of accepting it...................because of the lack of a closure....
a lack of closure......................because of the innumerable unanswered questions left for one to ponder....
the unanswered questions........... always leave behind a sense of guilt for the loved ones to deal with..........
the guilt.............slowly adding shades of frustration, anger and hatred to where once was pure love.

They leave you incomplete............you learn to move on...........
you smile and dance and love and live again............. till you feel the familiar incompleteness once again and ask........WHY?.......................................... WHY?



They sang goodbye..........and we never knew why.....

Taste of India!! :-)

In search of my colorful perception.....

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, hey guy, magenta! and he's like, oh, you mean purple! and he goes off on his purple thing, and I'm like, no - I want magenta!

Roommates.. Soulmates..?

Well its the beginning of a New Year and this time it happens to be the start of a new decade.. oh yes welcome 2010. Everyone's sure as hell excited...
I often wonder what is this deal with the New Year.. isn't it like any other day? Well perhaps not...it is about getting used to writing a new year in our dates you see..

Perhaps our obsession with this date lies in our desire for the things that we cant do - the desire to change whats past.. the desire to start things a fresh...
Well at least thats how it goes for me.. be it new years or a birthday... its a hope for things to be different... hope for things to be better.. hope for things to be the way you want them to be... ( well its a different story that i don't really know how exactly I want them to be!!).

So here's wishing one and all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!
( yeah yeah i know this is stale now.. but hey its never too late to wish! )

Anyways so the other day I happened to get a few mails from my female (yes i emphasize on this word - if you knew me u'd know why! ) roommates from my US days. Now we have been out of touch since I left the States, which is quite some time now. ( though not in my heart.. sigh! :-( ..) So their mails in my inbox did take my by surprise. I think by now you get the point that we girls weren't really the best of friends, hell yeah we weren't even friends... we were ROOMMATES!

Growing up in Mumbai and having studied and lived in the city, I always had the luxury of living with family. The luxury of mom and dad taking care of all my things. The luxury of having things my own way in my own house. So much did I take it for granted that I never realized things would be any other way for me and I was anything but prepared to accept them in any other way!!

So, here I was, lying on this bed that I slept on for over 15 years, wide awake...my heart beating fast and my mind running through the last so many years of my life spent in this room that I called mine. It was this room that I took so totally for granted, the room where I shed all my inhibitions and pretense, where I was never hesitant or insecure. Attachment of a body and soul to a space!!

Not wanting to sleep, not attempting to sleep, I stared at my bags packed and stacked neatly in a row and then at my room. My mind kept wandering to the new house that I would go to... to my new companions... I was scared.. apprehensive. I dint know any of them. All I knew of was their names, their telephone nos. and the address.

Oh yes and one more thing - that they were vegetarians!!!!!

My friend tried to pacify me by saying that hey one of their names sounds stylish I am sure they are going to be fun... well yeah for sure.. if you say so!!!
Its amazing you know, being human how our insecurities make us cling so desperately to our hopes - like a lizard clinging strong to the wall. We try so hard to fool our selfs, to pacify our apprehensive heart... to give ourself's some reason and try hard to believe it... ahh Hope so much we do for thee!!

So here I was, with two suitcases and a handbag standing in front of a door and staring down at the chit in my hand which led to me to this door.

The door that would open into my new home for a good few months from now.

The door was anything but what I expected it to be! It had a 'toran' hanging loosely over its head with pictures of goddess lakshmi smiling down at me. I dint smile back at her.

With a huge prayer in my heart I finally managed to ring the bell.

There she was standing.. a slim tall girl with a somewhat pretentious smile.. she welcomed me in..

I received a red carpet greeting at the entrance!!!!!

Yes, our walkway had a red carpet laid down with it walls adorned with pictures of the hindu chants, the holy godesses and Ohms!!

The room was spick and span and there sat smailing my two new roommates.. Miss R the tall petite one with a soft voice and Miss M with the stylish name...A lil later we were joined by another girl.. Miss J, a sardarni with a super loud voice! She too arrived the same day as me and was to join us as the fourth pillar of the house..

So here we were, 4 girls on a couch smiling at one other...
pause.....awkward silence....fake smiles.....pause.....4 faces staring at different corners of the room....random eye contact....pause..more fake smiles.....pause........the same old cliche'd introductory questions.....pause.....more awkward silence.... finally lame excuses and everyone moves into their own room/space.

Empty couch and an empty coffee table...

We settled down.
Empty hangers....
tags pulled, flaps pushed, hands sorting, pulling, unzipping and unbuttoning,
piling and unpiling....
toileteries in place ( some hidden and some on display!! )...cutlery in place..
mom's home made ladoos possesively stacked away...
clothes on hangers, hangers on rod, rod in the closet..

and I was all set and selleted.

and then it all started...

1.) Oh I think you are not aware,we have a 5th roommate to accommodate...
Hell yeah.. I am not aware coz u never chose to inform me in the first place!

2.) Then came the long timetable! 9-5 routine was bad enuf!!

Monday: cooking and dishes
Tuesday: Garbage and posts
Wednesday: Vacuuming the room
Thursday:Laundry
Friday:Toilet and dish washer cleaning
Saturday: Dusting and cooking unit cleaning
Sunday: Grocery shopping and fridge cleaning!

PHEW!!!
And along with the timetable came the innumerable confusions and fights..

:Oh I cooked last to last to last to last to last Wednesday...
:Was it my turn to pick the post..? oh i thought it was Miss X's
:Aww i forgot to get your juice and yogurt during grocery.... Sorry!
:I did not use this spoon.. i aint cleaning it!!!!!!!!!
:I forgot that your clothes are still lying in the washing machine!
:I accidently threw your magazines while dusting the table!!
:Ooops! u shampoo spilled into the sink while i was cleaning it...
etc....etc.....etc.....etc.....

I was to share my room and bath with Miss M.

Living with someone is an altogether different experience in itself, specially more so when you happen to share a private space such as your bedroom and bath with that person. I and Miss M never really bonded. Our bond was restricted to the hot cup of tea that I made for her every morning. We never shared.. we never discussed.. we never opened up to each other...we were different personlities...as different as chalk and cheese.....and yet there is so much that I knew about her and perhaps she bout me...

all this just by the virtue of a shared space you share.....

You overhear her fights with her fiancee, u overhear the abuses, u silently overhear her take out her frustration and hurt by throwing things and at times screaming out.. you overhear her silently crying alone in her bed after the fight, hoping that you are asleep and unaware of her pain... you pretend to ignore her so as to not make her vulnerable. You know every gossip and event of her family...you know her excitement as she awaits a package from her beloved, you know her nervousness as she cries over her lost wallet, you know her attachment as all she wants back from her wallet is the $10 note given to her by her mother-in-law on her engagement.....you see her mood slip at those times of the month....you know when she is starting to get irritated or annoying by the line folds of her forehead... you know what lingerie she would wear tommorow as you see them peeping naughtily through the piles of her clothers stacked neatly for next morning, you know what perfume she has used today as you walk into the shower after she is done and you know you are angry and irritated when you see it wrapped in a plastic, hidden behind the shower curtain which she has conveniently forgotten to dispose away... once again!!!!

Come to think of it... knowing someone is really all about knowing these many small things about the person...its not always words or thoughts that need to be exchanged to know a person.. One's actions and reactions during ones most vulnerable times perhaps paints the person in a more truer color than the persons rational chain of thought...

Miss M left US a month before me. The day she was to leave, I came home in the afternoon and made her a last cup of tea...
We sipped the tea in silence, I hugged her and saw my reflection in her moist eyes.
I said goodbye and turned away.
As I walked back into life's routine somewhere a corner of my heart felt heavy.

Some one asked me if Miss M was my soulmate in US....
No she wasnt. She was my roommate.. a roommate who I knew well!

I hate love....

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

RE-Wind! 2008-2009....

Well in a super bad mood! And i need to take it out.. guess I am tired of crying my heart out to my SOUL - MATES... i think i'd share it on my blog now...
Oh common I don't really have anything to write about ( life's getting boring!).. n no alcohol to get me out of this misery!!

But well on a contemplative state of mind that my anger has put me into .. and for those who are just tuning in....here's a recap of my life 2008-2009......

LIFE CHANGING TYPE THINGS:

Went to the US of A!!! - San Fran, NY, LA, LV, SD... sigh sigh sigh :-(

Lived with FEMALE roommates! ( was tuffff..!! )

Got my hair coloured RED ( hey! its a big deal.. n i loved it!!)

Sky Dived!!! Yipeeeeeee.........

Had an ALIGATOR! ( oh well n the painful allergy post luncheon & making Dang run around ! )

Kissed under a tree and looked out into the open sky through its leaves!

Las Vegas!!!

Lap Dance!!!! exciting!

Learnt the BIKE ( PULSAR - MH12-BA-3238 - what a rush!!!)

Phantom of Opera - Times Square!!!

Had two crushes! ( Phew.. finally!)

Almost, I meet someone new.

Hurt some dear ones..... and I am still sorry!

Cried a bit... n a bit more...and a bit bit more.....and a bit bit bit more...n more...n more...n more...

Had a cigarette.

Had a cigar!! ( CUBAN! )

Smoked POT!!! ( well no i dint get high!! ) & Hash brownies.

Decorated a Christmas tree!

Ice skated!! ( my bum still hurts!)

Drove an AUDI!! ( sexy mama! )

Pink Ipod!

Pierre Cardin Watch.

2 Laptops!!

Made two dear frnds! :-).....i love them!

Gave my GMAT! (Phew!)

Started Loving beer!

Fell in love with Kolkata! Durga pujo!

Waxed!!!

Miss dear frnds. ( Anand & Dangu... life sucks without u too.... )

Harshal got dearer!

Ups and Downs with NEil... and finally CLARITY!

SURFING!! ( awesome fun!)

Rock Band & Wii

Was back with Family.

Dad said he is proud of me! :-)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bro and me back to fighting over remote! he he he he.....

JACK!! ( my poison!)

SUSHI!!!! i love it!

STAR BUCKS.. COLD STONE!

VICTORIA'S SECRET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BIKiNi...

Hawaii...

Night shifts!

Midnight buffets! cofee at 3.. Lonavala at 5, bf buffet.......leaving chappal in a five star! :-)

Goldfish

My blog! :-)


THINGS I HAVEN'T LEART:

How to fight loneliness.

How to travel by train.

How to drive a car in traffic.

How to be rude.

How to get rid of wierd men who try to pick you up.

How to be a woman and get what I want!!!!

How to wear a strapless bra! ( god they are uncomfortable! )

How to love my work!

How to fall sick several times a year...

How to survive a gynac test!


And I learnt a little bit more... i learnt to mend relations, learnt to say sorry, learnt to let go, learnt to eat lunch alone, learnt to survive weekends over home, learnt to make random conversations, learnt to not do anything, learnt to cry through the night without letting any one know & learnt that i still could fall for someone......

PS: Well I guess this blog might be further updated with still about one and half months left for 2009 to come to an end!! :-)

To dear Manu... with love

I crossed him and felt a familiar presence,
I turned to look back and our eyes held each other..
For a long time I looked into his eyes.. they were brown with stories to tell..
And there it was.. taking birth deep in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks..
I could see myself in his tears...

I loved him and was oh so possessive about him!! He was my Knight in shining armor - tall, dark, handsome, with strong muscular arms and a taut, lean slender body. Every time he held my hand or prepped by my waist onto his bicycle,I felt like his princess.
He was all I needed and he would protect me from everything - or so I thought at that time. With two plaits, black ribbons in my hair, my short skirt flirting in the air and my shiny black boots i used to wait eagerly for him to arrive. He used to greet me with a familiar tring tring of his bicycle ring.. That was my call and i knew it so well.. he had come for me... I would quickly check myself in the mirror, tidy my already neat hair and go running down the stairs right into his arms. "U look beaaaUtiful my princess" he would greet and I could not stop blushing.

We traveled so many years of our lives together... through sunshine rain and winter. In rains, he would guide the cycle with one hand, the other hand holding an umbrella firmly over my head. He would be drenched with his shirt sticking to his lean body like skin..but would not let a drop fall over me. He was my companion, my soul mate and a friend.I would speak and he would listen, I would sing and he would hum, I would cry and he would say "its all right", I would laugh and he would laugh louder, "I love you... Manu" i would say...

"Mummum" the feeble voice called.... the voice so familiar and yet so different, yet so distant. He was old. His teeth yellow and stained with tobacco - the tobacco that he chewed too much to kill the hunger in his stomach. His rough skin pale and lifeless stretched like a thin tissue over his weak bones. He stood up with great difficulty, his movements slow and clumsy and he stood before me with tired folded hands. "Mummum" he called out once again. My eyes deceived me in recognizing him and my memory failed to place him. " I am Manu... Manu da...I used to ride you to school everyday.. when you were a lil princess...we would hide and eat golas by the road and struggle hard wash out the color from our mouths lest ur mother found out.....i am Manu..YOUR Manu.. My years of growing up, lost innocence, friends, parties, lovers and the different places I traveled failed me from recognizing him who was once everything to me. Memories filled my eart and my throat and they hurt my eyes.

I asked him how he was. His tired eyes, his tired body , his tired voice and his tired soul answered my question. He said he was fine and tried hard to manage a smile. His smile, still the same.. still filling up his face and sparkling up those eyes.. just the way it used to in his yester days! "I am fine but old.." he said " but look at you.. you have grown to be a fine woman my princess... and you look beaaaUtiful..". I dint blush anymore ( lost innocence !!! ) . He said " I am old and I am tired but now that you have grown and I have found you back, you ll look after me my dear... I am sure you will take care of me now." The guilt in my heart did not let me look into his eyes, the lump in my throat would not let me speak, I felt like I betrayed him.. let him down.. let him be lonely and alone so long - let his life be the cheap alcohol, the tobacco, his hunger, his loneliness and his tears. I was too busy growing up to not think of him ever. I was too ashamed to say I am sorry, too ashamed to offer him money, too ashamed to hug him and say "I love you". I bought him food and we ate - he ate!! He ate like a baby, he ate with greed, he ate with hunger and i watched him eat. After the meal, i promised him I would meet him again.. got myself to give him some money and turned around to walk away. I walked slow, but every flesh in my body wanted to run...i turned the corner of the road, till he could no longer see me, and i did what i do best.. I RAN and I RAN and I RAN...

Manu died the next day.....
I dint know.. i dint see him.. they told me someone found some money in his torn pockets and gave him a modest funeral...
someone sprinkled his warm ashes over the cool waters....
Manu my Knight in shining armour died last week.

- Manu......my dear Manu............... I love you.